Autism, Sledding and the Kingdom of God

Something amazing happened today: I went sledding with my sons.  Not at the same time, but I went with Leo this morning and Wally this afternoon.  There were many other parents and kids out sledding today.  But most days when the snow is perfect for sledding, and I see all those neurotypical kids and parents out there, I just want to look away.  I try not to think about what I am missing because both of my sons have Autism.  But today we figured out how to make it work and for the most part it worked very well!  Today I had lots of fun in the snow with my sons.  Part of me just wants to savor this and say no more.

Selah.

There were lots of other kids out there, which you can see at the top of the hill.  This is Wally observing them.  This picture captures a lot of how it feels being an Autism dad.  The neurotypical kids are playing... over there...and we are over here, and I have no idea what Wally will do or say.  He still has no understanding of what is safe.  He still does not stop no matter what I say or do.  So I have to stay close to him all the time when we are outside.  As soon as I took this picture I ran over next to him and asked what he wanted to do. 

Then all the kids at the top of the hill counted down, 10...9...8....Wally loves numbers and counting ...3 ...2 ...1 ...GO! and then they all sledded down the hill at once.  Wally jumped and said, "It's a race! Let's go!  Come non Daddy!" tugged on my arm and then he started running up the hill.  I followed him closely, as I always do.

We got to the top while most of the other kids were just starting to walk back up the hill so we had some waiting to do.  

Waiting.  

Waiting some more.  

Autism and waiting are not very compatible.  Neither are being still or quiet.  What would Wally do while we waited?  All this waiting gave me plenty of time to worry.  What if I can't hold us in place here at the top of the hill and we slide down before the other kids get here?  What if any kid or parent who doesn't know us and doesn't understand Autism asks Wally something?  What if something triggers a meltdown?  But all my worrying was pointless because Wally just sat quietly and watched as each kid plodded up the hill and got into place.  The familiar, odd feelings of simultaneous glee and fear were intense.  These contradictory feelings are almost always there whenever we go outside.  That's why going outside is so emotionally overwhelming.  But we're doing this.  He's quiet.  He's calm.  He's still calm.  Because?  This was a sledding race.  This was serious business.   

Someone said, "Are we ready?  Ok, GO!" and we were off!  We quickly were in second and one more push and we were in the LEAD!!!  And we WON!  And Wally took no notice at all and just popped out of the sled and ran off towards the road.  So I had no time to enjoy our victory or really think about anything but just had to jump up and run after Wally and try to catch up to him before he got to the road.  And I did.

    

Wally teaches me new things every day.  Today I learned a little more about the Kingdom of God.  In the Kingdom of God the first will be last and the last will be first.  Jesus says this many times and many ways.  I thought the race was about winning, but that is not what it was about for Wally.  He didn't even notice that we won!  Wally wanted to just take part in the race, to simply BE in the race.  For him to participate was the goal.  All of the joy for him was in figuring out what was happening and realizing that we could join the other kids.  We could do it together!  And we did. 

There are a lot of ways that Wally's lack of understanding of the neurotypical world makes his life hard, and makes being his father hard.  But today he understood that this was a race and that we could do it.  And we did it.  The world measures Wally, over and over, as coming in last.  But today we were first.  But he didn't care.  We joined in the race and that gave him all the joy in the world.