It's the little things...

smile :)

A smiling breakfast is not a big deal, but the longer I'm here at seminary and the longer I'm on this adventure into the world of autism (ASD) and being Wally's dad, the more I'm convinced of the upside-down nature of the universe.  One of these upside down things is that little things often matter much more than the big things.  Reflecting on my life with Wally has helped me see this.  A few of my recent classes have confirmed it.  Here are a few of these little things that make a big difference in my life.

1) SLEEP.  My sleep has not been what I consider "normal" for over 6 years.  Being tired has become my normal so most of the times when people ask me how I'm doing and mean it, I say, "I'm tired, but I'm always tired...I'm also..."

     Part of having abnormal sleep patterns for so long is that sometimes you just wake up.  Energy is a mysterious thing when sleep deprivation is normal.  And when it comes, you use it.  Because you know that tiredness is coming back sooner than you want it.  This morning my brain woke up and wanted to reflect on my life.  So here I am.

     Wally didn't learn to sleep through the night for his first year.  Now as a 6 year old he is generally a very good sleeper.  We recently had a nasty bought of sickness in our family that lasted 8 days and it was right in the middle of this that I took this picture of Wally napping.  What a miracle sleep is in the midst of sickness!  In fact, whenever he sleeps I'm always thankful.  It means his body is recharging, and healing.  For all these reasons, a good nights sleep is a big deal.  It is a huge gift from God every time.  Every tired parent knows this.  

2) SILENCE.  My boys are not often quiet.  But when Wally get's focused on a project he's given himself, like lining up cars or finding all the lego heads and attaching them together, he is quiet.  Moments to just enjoy that he is content and just observe what he's doing so that I can understand him better are little things that feel like big gifts.
   

3) LISTENING.  I think this may be the most important and powerful little thing on this list.  Learning to listen is such a basic skill, but so few people do it well or do it at all.  Wally helps me listen precisely because his language skills are not in the order I, or our neurotypical (google it) world expects.  So I have to listen with not just my ears but my eyes and my skin and my whole being.  I have to communicate with touches and tone of voice.  I have to observe very carefully what he's doing, what noises he's making, and watch for how he might be communicating emotions.  Many times I don't know what is wrong so I just have to sit with him and hold him and try to comfort him the best that I can and I often say words but I rarely know how much he understands.  

     Doing this for 5 years before getting to my Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Ministry classes here at seminary has led me to believe that this is the most essential and fundamental skill that pastors need.  Good counseling is really just good listening.  Good pastoring, also just good listening.  I also think that nearly any relational and even global problem could be fixed by better listening because most of them come from the fact that we have ears but we don't use them.

     Listening is also essential to many core spiritual disciplines.  Spiritual growth and learning to listen go hand in hand.  Deeper relationships come from better listening, and this includes our relationship with God.

4) WORDS.  Words are so amazing.  They have the power to give life or to take it, to give hope or to crush it, to heal or to wound.  A careless word cannot be taken back.

     One of the questions every parent of a child with autism gets asked often is: Can he/she talk?  Is he/she verbal?  Now of course this is both a functional question and an academic question.  But for me as Wally's dad, I think of it much more as a power question.  What does Wally have the power to communicate clearly?  So with each word that he masters I want to throw a huge party!  Wally can say "poop"!  And "yuck"!  And "1 more minute".  

     Wally has mastered many skills related to the alphabet and a few nights ago he observed a book I read to him much more closely than ever before.  Reading might come before speaking.  And writing?  God only knows.  The power of words is only more obvious because of Wally's limited vocabulary.  Each word has power.  Every seminary student knows this.  That's why we study Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek...   Words matter.  The best example of the power of words is the fact that one of Jesus' titles is simply: the Word.

5) GRATITUDE.  Being thankful is the most powerful weapon I have for getting me out of any kind of funk or negative, bummed out state.  Look at these boys.  What do you see?  Cute brothers holding hands?  Check.  Here's what I see.  Leo is 3.  Wally is 6.  Wally has autism.  So Wally doesn't understand general things about safety, like how to stay away from cars in a parking lot.  Leo is fierce and strong and tough and fast and loud.  Now there certainly are times when I can find these traits very frustrating.  Why is he screaming right now about Lucky Charms?  But then I remember that God made him to be Wally's brother.  He can hold tight to Wally's hand.  He can yell loud for him to STOP! and run after him and is tough enough to get through the hard things that having a brother with ASD will mean.  For all of these gifts I am thankful.

     Life is difficult.   There are always things we can be sad or complain about.  But if I choose to be thankful I must turn my gaze away from those things and I have renewed vision to see the good things in my life.  This does not change the sad things.  It changes me.

     The secret to abundant life is little things like these.  I used to think the goal was getting a lot done.  Now I think resting well is more important.  I used to rock out loud.  Now I pine for quiet and cherish the silence when it arrives.  For much of my life I thought the goal was to learn more and more so I'd know the answers.  Now I think it's actually about asking the right questions.  I used to think that the goal was to learn how to speak well.  Now I think it's learning how to listen well that matters.  I used to want to accumulate a lot of stuff so I could really be grateful.  Now I know that gratitude is what opens my eyes so that I can actually see what I already have.